


Illumi or Hisoka X Reader X Fanfic

by zestpepperoni



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Comedy, Crossover, Drama, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Drama, First Dates, Funny, Gen, Grandparents & Grandchildren, Hisoka's Bungee Gum Nen Ability (Hunter X Hunter), Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Memes, Misunderstandings, Moshi Moshi, Multi, Nen (Hunter X Hunter), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pickles - Freeform, Reader-Insert, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Unrequited Love, funny hunter x hunter, gamblinggirlfromhunterexam, heart been broke so many times don't know what to believe, pamsploopypicklepalace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:41:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28599369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zestpepperoni/pseuds/zestpepperoni
Summary: A love quarrel between two good ol' pals. Who do you choose: Illumi or Hisoka?It gets better as it progresses, I promise ;)Updates every Friday
Relationships: Chrollo/Tsubone, Hisoka & Illumi Zoldyck, Hisoka (Hunter x Hunter)/Reader, Illumi Zoldyck/Reader
Comments: 39
Kudos: 11





	1. The X Lunch X Date

“Are you sure you don’t want the last pickle?” Illumi asked.

“You can have it.” He took the pickle and ate it. Suddenly, my phone rang. I pulled it out, wondering who was calling me. Illumi glanced at my phone, and then looked at me. 

“It’s Hisoka,” I said. “I...I gotta go. Sorry to cut this date short.” I stood up, afraid to see his expression. Afraid to hear the soft “Oh, okay, maybe next time” that he would always say. I left.

“Hello? Hisoka?”

“Hey Y/N, meet me at my house.” 

“Right now?”

“Of course right now, when else?”

“O-ok. Bye then.” I hung up.

I grabbed my bag and walked over to the local garbage dump. Hisoka was there, waiting for me. He sat on a garbage bag and sorted out his cards. He pulled out a bouquet of yellow flowers from out of his sleeve when he saw me.

Hisoka spoke: “I have a crush on you.”

“I like Illumi.”

“But do you like me more?”

My heart pounded in my chest. 

“Do you like me more?” Hisoka repeated.

I dreaded my answer.

“Yes.”

There was a woosh and a half-full jar of pickles crashed next to Hiskoa’s feet. Pieces of broken glass and dill pickles splattered onto the dirt. Pickle juice splashed onto Hisoka’s shoes. I turned around to face Illumi.


	2. Sleepover X With The X Phantom Troupe

Illumi’s face twisted with pain and betrayal. “I thought you had a crush on me,” he whispered.

I couldn’t get any words past the lump in my throat.

Finally, Hisoka broke the silence. He gingerly picked up a pickle on the ground and sniffed it. He took a small bite.  
“This is a really good pickle.” Hisoka said, impressed.

“Well, anyways, Y/N, we’re having a sleepover tonight at my place. Illumi, care to join us? I’m going to invite the Phantom Troupe and Gon and his friends too.” Hisoka pulled out his iPhone 12 Pro Max and began to make calls.

Everyone Hisoka invited came except for Machi. Shalnark came with a Lightning McQueen twin bed with lights. Noah Bunga brought a single piece of hay. Chrollo showed up with a rock the size of a house to sleep on. Even Kurapika, who has a longstanding grudge against the Phantom Troupe, arrived with Leorio, Gon, and Killua. Apparently, the last member of the Kurta Clan was excited about his first sleepover.

Illumi immediately disguised himself after his younger brother appeared. 

“Pizza Hut usually gets rid of their leftovers in an hour. We still have some time before dinner arrives. Anyone down for a game of Go Fish?” Hisoka asked.

I only caught a few glimpses of Illumi. We played cards and ate pizza until night time came. 

As we slowly settled in for the night, Hisoka and I laid next to each other in our sleeping bags. Suddenly, I heard a sound coming from Hisoka’s sleeping bag. Fssh. Fssh. Fssh.  
My pulse quickened. I know this sound, I thought to myself. 

“Hisoka! What’re you doing?” I whispered.

Hisoka’s head came out from his sleeping bag.

“I was shuffling my cards.” He showed me his deck of cards.

“You were shuffling your cards!?” I asked, still trying to process the notion.

I remember what my grandma had always told me, “Never eat soggy waffles, and never EVER interact with a card shuffler. Especially if they shuffle their cards at night.”

My grandma ran an anti-card shuffling association.

“Hisoka, we have to break up. I will never be able to be with you.”  
“Why?” He asked, pain in his yellow eyes.

“My grandmother told me to never interact with a card shuffler, and you are a card shuffler.”

“No, please!” Hisoka said, his voice cracking. “I’ll change! I won’t shuffle cards anymore, I promise!”

“Once a card shuffler, always a card shuffler.” 

“I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

Hisoka retreated to his sleeping bag. I could hear him sniffling.  
I, too, cried myself to sleep.


	3. Yoyo X Whizzed X Past Me

The next morning, I couldn’t find Hisoka. No one had seen him leave. He probably left once everyone had gone to sleep.

There was a small tap on my shoulder.

“Want some eggs?” Said an all too familiar voice.

I looked up and saw Illumi holding 2 plates of eggs.

“Thanks.” I mumbled, and took a plate. 

“I heard what happened between you and Hisoka last night.”

“Oh,” I said, suddenly embarrassed.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have eavesdropped.”

“It’s ok. I-”

“We don't have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

A yo-yo whizzed past my ear and towards Illumi. Its string cut Illumi on the cheek.

I turned around to see a white-haired boy, a yo-yo in his hand.

“Who are you?” He asked.

Illumi spoke before I could answer. “Don’t listen to whatever he says.”


	4. The X Ugly X Truth

“Who is he?” I asked.

“He’s Killua, my brother.”

“Listen,” Killua continued, “I’m not sure what your relationship with Illumi is, but Illumi is an assassin.”

“I know,” I replied.

“Do you know the main way he kills his targets?” 

Illumi stepped towards Killua. “Kil, please. Please stop.”

Killua didn’t stop. “He flirts with them and then murders them.”

Illumi looked at me, pleading. “Please, Y/N. Don’t listen to him! You’re different! I just want to protect you!”

Illumi spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper. “Please.” His head hung to the ground.” Trust me.

I made eye contact with Killua. He shrugged. Then, he walked away.

Illumi still stood there. 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I asked.

“I didn’t know how to. I thought it would be better if you didn’t know.”

“Someone wants you to kill me? Who?” The reality of the situation started to settle in. 

“I don’t know. Most of our clients are anonymous. I promise I’ll settle this for you.”

Then, there was a familiar tap on my shoulder. “Ya are the fly to my poop, the nose to my booger. Ya are the pee to my toilet and the beans to my fart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Best cliffhanger ever !!!
> 
> please go to this link for a photo of Illumi as Greg Heffley: https://www.wattpad.com/1005873087-illumi-or-hisoka-x-reader-x-fanfic-the-x-ugly-x


	5. My X Swaggy X Grandapapay

"Chrollo?"

Illumi gave Chrollo a dirty glare.

"Well, my Y/N didn't even say hi to me at ALL during the sleepover! Where are ya manners?" The Phantom Troupe leader patted me on the shoulder. "And who is this?" Chrollo pointed to Illumi. "Are ya with a member of my OWN gang?"

"It's - it's not what it looks like!" I stammered, my face flushing red.

"Ya don't have to hide anything from me, baby! I'm so proud of ya dahling!"

A soft "what?" escaped Illumi's lips. He frowned.

Chrollo grabbed Illumi's hand and vigorously shook it. "I'm so proud my love has found someone like you! And we don't even need any introduction to each other because I know you already! :) " Illumi glanced warily at his boss, and then at me.

I decided to enlighten Illumi. "This is my Grandapapay Boss Chrollo."

"Aw, shucks! Ya didn't tell him about me yet? Did I raise ya wrong or something? Well, I gotta go do some boss business, so ya two take care!" Grandapapay Chrollo gave both of us a whack on the shoulder and walked away, asking Noah Bunga if he wanted a ride home.

"This is the wildest sleepover I've ever been to," Illumi sighed. "Do you want me to walk you home?"

"Sure."

We made our way out of the garbage dump and onto the street. A red-haired figure stood in the distance. "Wait here, Illumi. I have some business I need to take care of."

The figure stood there, looking up at the sky. He spoke when he saw me. "Oh, uh, hi ..!"

I couldn't believe it. HE was here.

Tears gushed out of my eyes.

I ran over to him and pulled out my bag, shoving it in his face.


	6. A X New X Friend

"Tendou from the volleyball sports anime 'Haikyuu!!' !!! Please, sign this! I'm your biggest fan!!! I can't believe you're actually here!!!"

Tendou awkwardly took the bag and signed it while stared at him in amazement.

"What brings you here?!?!" I finally asked, hugging the bag Tendou had just signed.

"I'm a little los- "

Before the Shiratorizawa player could answer, he vanished into thin air. "Aw man, I wasn't even able to get a selfie with him," I thought, "I hope he comes back..."

A familiar set of silent footsteps approached. "Why are you crying?" Illumi asked. "What's wrong? Did you know that fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more when you switch to Geico auto insurance? It was HIM, wasn't it?"

"Yes...he...just...then he just disappeared..."

Illumi stayed a few paces behind me, glancing at me occasionally as we walked to my apartment in silence.

This time, another redheaded figure greeted me in my apartment. Unfortunately, it wasn't Tendou Satori. It was Hisoka. The card shuffler Hisoka. He leaned back on my sofa, his legs propped up on the coffee table, watching the TV.

Illumi tensed up behind me.

Hisoka glanced at me. "We need to talk. There's something about the anti-card shuffling organization that you need to know."


	7. Hisoka X Likes X Teletubbies

The TV was blaring teletubbies at full volume."Wait," Hisoka said, "Let me finish watching them make the tubby toast." He shifted his attention to the TV. Once the scene was over, Hisoka continued. "The anti-card shuffling organization sells machines that will shuffle cards for you. The organization was made so that eventually, everyone would forget how to shuffle cards. Their goal is to monopolize their card shuffling machine and get rich, even if it's at the cost of destroying card shuffling traditions." A single tear glimmered down Hisoka's cheek.

"The anti card shufflers are looking for me right now. If I stay any longer, I might cause trouble for you. I hope you think about what I just told you. Farewell, Y/N! Best regards! May you live long and prosper for eternities to come!"

Hisoka opened the living room window and jumped out, leaving only the sound of Tinky Winky talking at full volume.

Illumi reached over to turn off the TV. 

"It's almost noon. Do you want to stay over for lunch?" I asked him. 

Illumi was about to respond. Suddenly, a familiar looking motorcycle shattered the living room window. Riding on it was my cousin, Amane. The motorcycle transformed into an elderly looking woman with lavender braids: my Grandamamay Tsubone.


	8. My X Swaggy X Grandamamy

"Howdy grandkiddo! I just heard from yer Grandapapay that ya have a special someone?" Then Grandamamay Tsubone noticed Illumi. "Master Illumi!" Grandamamay and Amane bowed simultaneously.

"Ah," Illumi said, slightly embarrassed. "You don't need to bow. We're going to be related soon, after all." He winked.

Now it was my turn to be embarrassed. "Illumi, what?" He just responded with a smirk.

Tsubone walked over to Illumi and took his hand in both of hers. "Please treat my kiddo well, Illumi-kun." 

He blew her a kiss. "Of course."

"Oh, Grandamamay," I began to ask, "Hisoka told me terrible things about how your organization, the anti-card shufflers, just want to make money. Is what he said true?"

"Oh, dahling, do I need to remind ya again? My organization is the anti-CAR shufflers, not the anti-CARD shufflers. We do completely different things. And yes, the anti-card shuffling organization is a horrible group." Grandmamay sighed. "Ya always seem to forget that I'm anti-car shuffling, not anti-card shuffling."

Then, Amane's phone rang. I had almost forgotten she was there. "That must be Master Silva," she said.

"Well, whadaya know! Time to go! Ya two take care!" Grandamamay exclaimed as she and Amane left. 

Right after the two butlers left, Illumi's phone rang. "It's from an unknown number."


	9. Hisoka X Says X Moshi Moshi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “ Moshi moshi “ is a phrase used to greet someone on the phone in Japan

"Moshi moshi," a familiar voice said.

"Hisoka," he muttered under his breath. Illumi immediately hung up.

My phone started ringing almost right after.

"Moshi moshi," the same voice said again. Illumi took my phone and hung up for me.

There was a knock on the door. "Moshi moshi."

"Just ignore it," Illumi whispered.

A "moshi moshi" came from the broken window. 

I caught a glimpse of over-gelled red hair. Illumi covered the window with my front door.

"Moshi moshi," a voice from the upstairs apartment said. The ceiling gave way, and Hisoka gracefully landed in the rubble. He was used to walking around trash.

Illumi restored the ceiling with his nen, sending the clown back upstairs.

Footsteps approached the front door frame. There stood a black haired man with his shirt untucked and a spiky haired boy with a bathrobe. 

"Hello, we are from the anti-card shuffling organization. We are looking for a card shuffler with arched eyebrows on fleek and bright colored hair. Have you seen anyone that matches our description?"


	10. The Gambling Girl X From The X Hunter Exam

"Yes, yes." Illumi said nodding with too much eagerness. "He should be in the apartment room above this one."

"Thank you for your cooperation, sis." He curtsied and cat-walked away.

"Osu!!" The bathrobe boy said as he followed the taller man.

Moments later, I looked out in the hall and saw the two tying up the gambling girl from the hunter exam.

I heard her scream as the bathrobe boy struggled to carry her across the hallway.

"Am I a boy or a girl!? Wanna bet!?" 

"No, sorry, I'm under age. I really like your eyebrows though, sis. They're like, ugh, so on fleek!!"

The black haired man spotted me and Illumi. "Thanks for your help, y'all. Y'all are the real ones. Periodt. If you're ever in a pinch just hit me up fam." The two left, dragging the gambling girl from the hunter exam.

Hisoka climbed out from under the couch.

"Thanks for saving my floppy booty butt butt guys! How about we all go out together for lunch! My treat!"

"As long as we go to my favorite pickle place, Pam's Ploopy Pickle Palace, then sure, I guess," Illumi remarked.

"Grrrrreat!!" Hisoka clapped his hand together. "Let's get a move on then!" 

We decided to walk, since it wasn't too far from my apartment. While we were walking, Hisoka's phone dinged. "Ah! Sorry to cut this date short, I got a message from Chrollo. He said he wants to have a little chit chat with me. You know what they say, business calls! Especially poop! I promise to treat you guys out next time! Bring me some leftovers though, I'm getting tired of eating Pizza Hut."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go!


	11. Pam's X Ploopy X Pickle Palace

Illumi and I arrived at the restaurant. It was the same as always. The 50 foot pickle statue gleamed as bright as ever, and the servers were all dressed in pickle costumes. I ordered a classic pickle sandwich with pickles on the side, and Illumi ordered Pam's Famous Shloopy Ploopy Doopy Zoopy Pickle Platter, featuring 50 different kinds of pickles. We ordered pickle punch as our beverages and a half full jar of pickles for Hisoka. 

I finished my lunch, and watched Illumi eat. He was finishing his pickle platter quickly. Illumi looked up at me and saw me staring at him. "Do you want my last pickle?"

"It's fine," I told him, "I'm full already."

"Are you sure you don't want the last pickle?" Illumi asked.

"You can have it." He took the pickle and ate it. Suddenly, my phone rang. I pulled it out, wondering who was calling me. Illumi glanced at my phone, and then looked at me. 

"It's Hisoka," I said. "I...I gotta go. Sorry to cut this date short." I stood up, afraid to see his expression. Afraid to hear the soft "Oh, okay, maybe next time" that he would always say. I left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter! Thank you so much for reading! ^.^
> 
> (If you’re confused about the ending, just reread the first chapter 😎)


End file.
